My Untold Story
by Yukage
Summary: The untold events of the pilgrimage, as told from Yuna's perspective. The pilgrimage was meant to be about atoning for sins, but then I met you... Tidus x Yuna, and the whole FFX cast.
1. Prelude

Hi all, Yukage here! This is my first FFX fanfic. Loved the game, love the characters, just trying to experiment with an idea that I had. Basically, it will be FFX, in Yuna's perspective (yawnnn I know, it's so over done), but I am not going to focus on the events that the game focused on. Instead, I'm going to imagine events that should flow seamlessly with FFX (in Tidus' perspective).

Sounds interesting? Yeah, hope so! So buckle up and enjoy the ride!

* * *

 **Prelude**

"This is my story."

You would often say, your eyes appraising this land that was foreign to you. You were an adventurer, you have done so much in your short time in Spira, much more than I had accomplished in my entire existence here. I was a spectator, always five steps behind, watching with anticipation at your next step. Outside of Yevon's false teachings, I truly know nothing of this land.

Confident to the point of arrogant. That was one part of you I despised and adored. You barged into my story, as a side character, and then all of a sudden this became your story. I was the heroine turned supporting character, too eager to see how your story unfolds to change the focus of the story.

I began my pilgrimage hoping to write my story into history. It was going to be a test of trials. The protagonist overcoming challenges at various temples and obtaining the final summoning. Of friendship: Kimahri taught me stories the Ronso passed down from generations. The peaks of the sacred Mt Gagazat, although I have never seen them with my own eyes before, teaches young Ronsos the value of wisdom over strength. Wakka taught me all about survival skills. Even though he assures me that it is unlikely that I will need to rely on them, as I would be accompanied by my guardians at all times, it is reassuring to know that I won't be entirely hopeless on my own. Lulu passed on her knowledge as a fellow mage, albeit an experienced Black Mage to a greenhorn White Mage. We all trained well after the sun set beneath the clear blue Besaid seas, then read through Yevon's numerous prescribed readings under the moonlight. We searched hopelessly between Yevon's words, hoping against hope to find any clues that will bring us towards an eternal calm.

My motivation was the suffering of the people. I was fed up of living in fear of Sin. Mothers who cry well into the night at the loss of their children. Children who wave goodbye to parents who had joined the ranks of Crusaders, hoping to delay the inevitable: Sin's next attack. Death was something that was close to everyone in Spira. I had lost my mother and father, the latter to Sin, at a young age. Lulu and Wakka had also lost their entire family to Sin. The death of Chappu hit me hard. We had grown up together, and I watched as the shared love between him and Lulu sprout, grow, and blossom into a small bud. The bud never had a chance to fully blossom, before it was nipped prematurely. I wanted to do more than avenge their deaths. I wanted to end this vicious cycle.

"I have a feeling that this will be the one. The eternal calm." Wakka would always claim, his words mixed with confidence and adrenaline. Lulu would generally snap something back at him, her words as sharp as her voice. Kimahri would remain stoic, a typical reaction from the mysterious Ronso. I would silently pray, wishing Wakka's intuition to be true.

My story was going to be one of noble sacrifice. I truly loved Spira. From the leafy Killika forest contrasting the busy streets of Luca. If all it took was to was my life, then I would gladly walk the road my father walked, and give peace to the land I loved so much.

Never had I imagined that romance would become a key element to my story. Never did I imagine that a blue-eyed man from the ancient city of Zanarkand would intrude into my life, shake the foundations of my core, and leave me with feelings that were so forceful yet so foreign to me.

Everyone has a story they long to tell. Everyone wishes they could have a happy ending.

I know that in your story, I was one in many pages. A small intrusion, a distraction even, in your journey to become the star of the Zanarkand Abes. A side quest you did not want to participate in, but was forced to. But did you know how happy you made me every time you called my name? How content I was every time you happened to flip to my page? How desperate I was for you to flip to my page?

And did you know that in my story, you had occupied many chapters? That if I could, I would keep turning back the pages, relive our moments, until they are all frayed and scattered?

This is my story. Of my pilgrimage to dispel Sin from this world. Of how I discovered my most precious possessions: my friendship with my guardian turned family. But more importantly, of how our two stories overlapped.

And how I continue to dream, even after your story reached its bittersweet ending.

* * *

As always, it'll be great to get your thoughts. I know the prelude doesn't allude to much, but there are plenty of goodies to check out in the future chapters! That's a promise!

I am also writing another fic - Dynasty Warriors. If you are into cute couples paired with heart break and sap, then do check it out!


	2. Chapter 1

**AN:** Thank you all for your kind reviews! They really meant a lot to me!

Onwards to the story. It goes without saying that this is a fan fiction and the events shown did not happen in the game. I tried to tie it as close to Tidus' version (i.e. FFX) as I can, but some times it work, some times it doesn't. Feel free to treat it as AU, and separate to FFX (no one can top that story!)!

* * *

 **Chapter 1**

My kneecaps were starting to drum a low, resounding pain through my joints. Alone in the dimly lit Chamber of the Fayth, I had lost track of how long I have been kneeling in this prone position in front of the fayth. A drop of sweat rolled from my head, down my cheek. The sensation encouraged the droplets hanging precariously from my eyes to follow suit. I will not allow myself to cry. I can sense that my guardians were still waiting patiently behind the heavy walls. All this trouble, for me. I cannot let them down more than I have. I don't deserve to cry.

I closed my eyes, trying to sense another presence in these chambers. Nothing. All the training and studying of Yevon's teachings to prepare my mind and soul for the summoning really didn't explain the mechanics of what the summoning entails. Only that "only the faithful can become one with the fayth." My heart was starting to race in panic. What if I am not deemed worthy by the fayth? I can't let down Lulu, Wakka Kimahri, the villagers of Besaid Island, and entire population of Spira! The people we have lost. My father.

Please, I begged the silent stone carving in front of me.

Please.

Still nothing.

A single warm, traitorous tear ran down my cheek. I bit my lip hard as they started to tremble. I hated every inch of myself. My weakness. Tears began to flow in earnest now, my cheeks were immediately damp as my internal walls began to crumble.

I'm so sorry, everyone.

A dim light shone in front of me, steadying brightening the chamber. I stifled a gasp, looking up through my lashes. The glow was hovering over the fayth, too bright for my eyes to make out what it was. As it slowly entered my body, I felt warmer. I felt hopeful.

"Valefore." I whispered, not knowing what propelled me to say that, but knowing there is a significance to the name. "Thank you."

Staggering up, the full extent of the fatigue hit every inch of my body, hard. I blinked rapidly, coaxing myself to move, one movement at a time. Kimahri. One step. Lulu. Another step. Wakka. I reached the door of the chamber, the two heavy slabs parting slowly. My ears were starting to ring now. I couldn't differentiate the ringing in my ear to the distinct jingles of the ornaments on my obi, even though I tried to cling on to their chimes. They were all that my mother had left me, and were the only thing keeping me conscious right now.

I closed my eyes, the blurring colours too much to take in. I was moving on pure instinct now. My knees were starting to shake. I felt myself fall forwards, my body too tired to brace for impact, my heart too fatigued to beat faster. I collided with a soft, furry wall. Large, familiar, strong hands rested on my shoulders, steadying me. I took a deep breath, taking in the reassuring scent.

"Kimahri." I whispered. Grateful for his patience and presence.

I could feel him nod his head in understanding. Steadying me back on my feet, he stood next to me, close enough to provide more support if needed, but also giving me independence. He knew me too well.

Growing up, I hated appearing weak and needing protection. When I first arrived in Besaid, all the priests and elders fawned over me. The High Summoner Braska's only daughter. Orphaned. I know they pitied me. But I pitied them. Fear was permanently etched into their faces. Each wrinkle tells of fear. This is the way so many people in Spira lived. Yevon had united the people. Yevon had provided comfort to the people. But I know that true comfort is a world without Sin. They were surprised when I said I wanted to walk my father's path. "My dear, you've already had enough hardship for two lifetimes. Stay in Besaid. Find comfort in Yevon," they had told me. But who would walk this path then? I didn't want to be like the people who simply put their head into the sand. Hoping will not vanquish Sin. As I grew older I really struggled with Yevon's logic. Sin is the penance for our sins. Sin will disappear with proper atonement. I hate not having a clear direction. It made me feel helpless. I hate the beast that killed my father being able to wander Spira again, when my father can no longer. I have to do something.

I could feel my guardian's eyes on me, holding their breath in anticipation. Everyone was scared to ask the question.

I stood up straight, dusting off my long, pleated skirt, and pulling my hair back. As I opened my eyes, I took in their concerned gazes. I was vaguely aware, and was surprised by, a pair of foreign blue eyes, and an equally unfamiliar blond hair man.

"I have done it!" I cried, pride in my voice. "I have become a Summoner!"

My voice echoed around the chamber. I heard my guardians let out a sigh of relief.

Relief. And disappointment.

Lulu and Wakka engulfed me in a tight embrace at once. This embrace was different to the usual, parental embrace. Lulu stroked my hair, blinking the tears from her scarlet irises. This was a rare tear from the mage. Wakka was unusually speechless, his hold on me not loosening. Kimahri was silent, his eyes on the ground.

Again, relief, and unspoken disappointment.

"Yuna, this is what you really want ya?" Wakka murmured. He sounded older than I could ever remember. I half expected Lulu's harsh rebuke: Really, are you dense Wakka? But she remained silent, although the hand that stroked my hair stopped in mid air. I could sense Kimahri turn his head towards me.

"I am a Summoner now." I whispered into Wakka's strong arms, resolve in my destiny. I know that although my guardians had prayed in earnest for my success, a part of them had secretly wished for my failure. Failure meant that the fayth had rejected me. Failure meant no pilgrimage. Failure meant no Final Summoning.

Failure meant that I can live.

As I left the dimly lit temple, I held my head high at the crowd that had gathered in the courtyard. This was rare glory for the island. Summoners were a rare sight in Besaid. Summoners from Besaid were even more so. Of course, we have had visiting Summoners on pilgrimages, but you could tell that this remote seaside village was not their first choice of destination. Most tend to come here for their pilgrimage only, then board the next ferry out. Summoners were revered. But to them the villagers were simple minded peasants, who know only their quiet lifestyle revolving around their vegetable farms, fish they catch in their nets, and the fabrics they weave.

The Temple of Besaid was the most under maintained, under-funded temple of Spira. We had only just received the statue of High Summoner Braska – my father – ten years after he had departed this world. Sin had returned before I could seek comfort from his face chiseled into the stone. The priests and priestesses work around the clock to ensure that the temple was in a state that was available for the villagers, as it was their only solace from their fear of Sin. I helped out when I could, whether by sweeping the quiet corridors, or polishing the statues. The Aurochs did most of the grunt work such as repairing the leaking roofs, or trimming the overgrown hedges.

Youths were also in diminishing supply in Besaid. Some emigrate to busy cities, like Luca or Bevelle, in search of a change in pace (I would often describe Besaid as a slow, sleepy city myself), or just for security. The Crusaders put their lives on the line to ensure that Luca and Bevelle never fall to Sin. There have been some close calls, but not wide scale devastations like other little villages. The Crusaders were also becoming an increasing appealing alternative for hot headed youths determined to take down Sin. Some, like me, are becoming disenchanted in a religion and way of life that offers no practical solutions to our predicament. One thousand years of atonement, five High Summoners and millions of civilians sacrificed so far. And counting.

"Ready!" Wakka called as I approached the middle of the crowded courtyard. The villages held their breath.

I smiled, holding out my staff in demonstration. The crowd understood, and immediately silence resounded. I closed my eyes. This will be my very first summon. I called out to the warmth that found me in the Chamber of the Fayth. Valefore. You had given me relief. Hope. The courage to start my pilgrimage. Please allow me to thank you in person.

A breeze swept past, the bells on my obi chimed. The crowd gasped.

A great, winged beast glided towards me. I couldn't describe him. Majestic. Strong. But also, kindness.

I swallowed any ounce of fear I may have had, and rested my hand tenderly on the beast's beck. An unspoken moment passed between the two of us: human and beast, summoner and aeon, mortal and deity.

This pilgrimage will be based on mutual trust. I have yet another guardian to rely on, and to protect.

That night, we had a celebration. The Aurochs gathered driftwood and made a bonfire while the fishermen grilled their best catches of the day for the entire village.

People kept congratulating me. The elders wished me a safe journey, and that I would bring the calm soon, as my father had done in the past.

Kimahri kept his usual protective stance next to me. Wakka and Lulu kept a polite distance away from the elders – I guess they did not see the beginning of my pilgrimage as a reason of celebration as did the villagers. I was unsure of how I should respond to their praise and reverence, so I kept my head down. I made my way through the crowd, nodding and smiling, though I desperately wished to be back in my bedchambers and away from the crowd.

"Hey Yuna." Wakka called, walking towards me, Lulu following closely. "Are you ready for tomorrow? I know you girls usually pack a lot, ya?" He sat down next to me, and I felt like Yuna again, young and carefree under the care of Wakka and Lulu, for the first time tonight.

Lulu sighed loud and theatrical, a typical retort to Wakka.

"You're one to talk, Wakka. You're the one with the detour in our plans. None of us wanted to go to Luca, lest to watch you play blitzball of all things." Contrasting her stern and sarcastic tone was a smile. I guess there was an unspoken truce between my usual bickering guardians to keep the peace for my sake tonight.

"We're going to Luca?" My hands clapped together in excitement. The busy city of Spira. Although Bevelle was larger by far, many locals preferred Luca over Bevelle's religious rules. I have always wanted to see the modern city people compared to the ancient city of Zanarkand.

"Yeah I, uh, have decided to give the Cup another go this year. I thought, I'd just give it a final go, ya?" Wakka scratched his head sheepishly. I know that blitzball meant a lot to him, as much as my pilgrimage meant to me but it did not discount his loyalty to me. "Chappu would have wanted it." He looked away, and I could hear Lulu's sharp intake of breath.

Chappu. Wakka's younger brother. My childhood friend. Lulu's lover.

Taken away much before his time. Taken away by Sin.

I rested my hand on his, knowing that the wound was still fresh. It has only been a year since Chappu's crushed remains were found alone on the shores on the Djose beach, clutching an Al Bhed machina weapon. To this day, Wakka blamed the Al Bhed for luring Chappu away from the safety of his brother's reach, and Lulu blamed Wakka for not letting go.

"I'll cheer you guys on, Wakka. Go Aurochs!"

Wakka smiled, a flash of excitement in his eyes. "Thanks Yuna. I know we'll do well this year! We have the best Summoner to support us, ya? And we have my secret weapon." He grinned towards the team huddled by the fire.

Secret weapon? I tilted my head in thought. No offence to Wakka, or any of the Aurochs, as they have been staples in my life, irreplaceable like brothers, or fathers, but when it came to blitzball, they were terrible! I could hardly keep up with the fast pace, but even I could tell that they were out of their league.

"Yeah! Him, right there!" he nods to a blond hair stranger sitting by the fire. The stranger I saw in the Cloister of Trials.

"You never did explain who that man is, breaking the rules and breaking into the temple. He could have caused a lot of trouble for Yuna." Lulu scolded, looking towards the stranger as well, a crease between her brows in distaste.

"Well about that…" Wakka scratched his head again, avoiding Lulu's sharp glares, "I did tell him it was against the rules, but I guess we were both really worried about Yuna at the time, and it sort of happened really quickly, ya?"

That piqued my curiosity. Not everyone would break into a Temple of Yevon, lest though the Cloister of Trials. The people of Spira have treated Yevon as more than a religion. It was a way of life. To disregard the rules, under any circumstance, was rare indeed. He definitely was not from Besaid.

Lulu continued to glare, interrogating the beads of sweat that were forming on Wakka's forehead. I was surprising grateful, wanting to know more about this stranger.

"Well, he's really good at blitz, ya. You should have seen him down at the beach! But I think Sin has gotten to him, he's a bit weird, says a lot of strange things. But I couldn't just leave him ya, he looks so much like …" Wakka stopped himself in time before he could mention the name again.

"Sin has gotten to him?" Lulu queried, skepticism written all over her face. She was also determined to move the conversation away from Chappu again.

"Yeah. He's convinced he's from Zanarkand. Crazy, ya?"

Zanarkand.

The ancient modern machina city. Destroyed a thousand years ago.

Someone very important to me came from that city. No one around him believed him, except for me and my father.

I looked towards the fire again, imprinting the blond spikes into my eyes.

That man is from Zanarkand.

I wanted to meet him, to talk to him.

"Sin's toxin?" Lulu queried, disbelief prominently on her hard features.

Wakka quivered under her scrutiny as usual.

"Yeah, I think so."

"You think so? And yet you bring him into the village? Who knows if he is in the right state of mind. Saying something as farfetched like you're from the sacred ruins of Zanarkand is enough to get anyone in trouble. This is the last thing Yuna needs right now."

The elders came and sat next to me, prompting Lulu and Wakka to politely say their goodbyes and wander off, sparing Wakka from Lulu's interrogation. I resumed my doll like responses, trying to find interest in their stories but finding none. My mind was stuck in Zanarkand.

I believed the stranger, just as my father did. A sense of déjà vu engulfed me. Maybe it was a sign. Maybe I was really following in my father's footsteps. I could think of no higher honour than to be able to do so.

"Stay away from the Summoner!" The old lady next to me called. I looked up, and saw that the stranger was close by. His gaze was on me. My heart skipped a beat.

"You're a bad man!" A small boy, Reez, resting next to me called, sensing the stranger's interest in me.

I got up and walked towards him, and the village elders gasped.

"Lady Yuna, be careful!"

"But it was my fault to begin with." I gave them what I hoped was a reassuring smile. Internally, I was pleading that they would not follow me. The elders were either satisfied with my response, or despised the stranger more than I had thought, allowing me to walk towards him in peace.

Mentally, I practiced my greetings in my mind. I could feel the sweat on my palms, my ears were reddening. I was nervous. There were so many things I wanted to ask him. "I'm Yuna. Thank you so much for your help earlier."

Yevon, I hope I sounded casual. I hope my face is not as red as it feels.

He absentmindedly scratched the back of his head, looking unsure and embarrassed, contrasting his confident appearance. "I'm sorry about that. Wasn't that... Wasn't I not supposed to... Guess I kind of overreacted."

His apology threw me back. He looked at me cautiously, as if I was a fragile and delicate doll, and that I would fall apart any minute. Guess first impressions stick, and I was brought back to my struggles in the Chamber of the Fayth. I felt embarrassed at my weakness, my mind wondering just how disheveled I looked as I left the chamber.

"Oh no, I was…overconfident." I mumbled.

He looked taken back at my sudden gloom. I could hear the shame in my voice as well, causing the awkwardness.

"Um, I saw that aeon thing. That's amazing!"

My head shot up. I did not foresee how much his encouragement would mean. I felt warm. Just like I did when I gained Valefore's trust in me.

"Really, do you think I can become a High Summoner?"

I had not spoken to anyone about the fear and doubt that has plagued my pilgrimage. My biggest fear was not the end of my journey – my death – but failure and disappointment to my father and guardians. I have always thought the Yuna they had placed faith in and are willing to give up their lives for, was very different to the Yuna I know: weak, lost, and unsure of herself.

He nods, and I felt I could believe it.

I wanted to speak to him some more. To ask him about Zanarkand. To ask him about what he thought of Spira.

"Lady Yuna, come play with me some more." Reez called again. Such inopportune timing.

Reluctantly, I nodded my head and slowly got up. "So, tomorrow, then." I was surprised at my disappointment.

"Tomorrow?" He sounded confused. I was scared for a second. Did I misunderstand Wakka? Was this stranger not joining us?

"We're going on the same boat, aren't we?"

"Oh, really?" It really was a genuine question. He didn't sound relieved to be travelling with me, as I was with him. I tried hard to not think about what that means.

"We can talk more. You can tell me all about Zanarkand!" That was the last thing I said to him as I walked off. The blond hair stranger made no attempt to stop me, even though I took my time, and grew more reluctant with every step.

As I resumed my position by the fire, I sneaked a glance at him, hoping to meet his eyes. That would mean we were looking at each other, right? Maybe I could make up another excuse to talk to him? But I was wrong. He was engrossed in conversation with a couple of girls my age, who were giggling and blushing at his words. I could hear his laughter as he huddled closer to them. I looked away and at the burning ember, wondering why I felt suffocated.

Today, I earnt the right to embark on my journey. Today, I earnt the right to end my life in glory as a High Summoner. My life starts counting down from today.

I should be happy, right?

But the evening ended the same way my first conversation with him did. Dull. Unsatisfying. It left me wanting more. I didn't even get a chance to ask his name. The last time I saw him, he was walking away, back towards the village, his arms around one of the girls he was laughing with.

They say that the dreams you have can sometimes foreshadow what will happen on your voyage. Wise travelers would use this as a sign and amend their preparations accordingly. I wonder what my dear father had dreamt of the night before he left Bevelle, and me, forever. If only I could consult him on how to decipher my dream.

The blond stranger was a prominent feature in my dream. But just as he was in reality, in my dream he did not seem the least bit interested at me at all. In contrast, I was surprised by the detail that I remembered of him. Tidal blue eyes. Sun kissed hair and skin. Masculine arms and legs.

Why did I memorize these details? Why was I mesmerized by this stranger?

Growing up, I had to adjust to life on Besaid Island, which was completely different to life in Bevelle, quickly. Strangers come and go from my life. Different summoners, or Yevon officials. Crusaders off on patrol and never returning. This was the first time that a stranger I have never meet before lingered more than necessary in my mind.

Zanarkand. He was from Zanarkand. That must be it.

The stranger I met today may be a blessing. He may be able to help me find the person I have been searching for.

A boy no older than eight entered my dream. His shoulders were small, frail and shaking. He was crying again. I was told he did this quite frequently. His blond locks hung delicately from his head and I, as I have done many times in my dream, gently stroked his head, like a mother would.

This was the boy I dreamt about almost every day since my father left on his pilgrimage. This was the boy I felt I had a connection to. This boy was one the factors that fueled my passion for my pilgrimage. This boy was Sir Jecht, one of my father's guardian's son. I dreamt of going to Zanarkand. I dreamt of meeting him. The boy who would live the same fate as me. Orphaned. Lonely. The hopes and dreams of his fallen parent on his frail shoulders.

I wanted to go to Zanarkand. I was convinced I will find more than the rubbles the Yevon readings described. I wanted to find him, Sir Jecht's boy. I wanted to hold on to him, wipe the tears from his face. I wanted to tell him that everything would be alright. I wanted to see him grown up to a respectable adult in the world our father gave up their lives for, and carry out any wishes Sir Jecht may have had.

Sir Jecht was very important to me. Even though, I had only spent a short while with him, the night before my father embarked on his journey. I could feel the assurance he radiates. I felt I could entrust my father to him. Sir Auron, my father's other guardian, and almost godfather to me in a way, had differing views and I can see his argument. I admit, my first impressions of Sir Jecht were unkind: drunk, hostile, and coarse. Before agreeing to become my father's guardian, Sir Jecht was in a Bevelle jail cell for being drunk and a public nuisance. He publicly proclaimed to be from Zanarkand, a sacred, ancient city, left in ruins for a thousand years. He and Sir Auron bickered all the way back to our residence in the Temple of Bevelle, and some more as my father did some last minute packing. Sir Auron then stormed off as he could take no more of the confrontation, leaving me with this reluctant guardian.

"You Braska's girl?" He barked, his voice as gruff as his appearance.

I was frightened to the core, shaking as I nodded my head.

He gave a short laugh at my reaction. "You have a name?"

"Y-Y-Yuna, sir."

"You seem pretty young. About eight or nine?"

"S-seven."

He gave a small melancholic smile. "Seven? Nearly his age." His tired eyes meet mine. "My boy is eight." He explained. "A bit taller than you. Probably just as scrawny. Never could throw a blitzball properly, doesn't have his old man's genes." He chuckled at the insult, but I could tell the jest was not malicious in nature. Affection almost.

"There was still so much left to teach him. They grow up so quickly. Hope I don't miss out on much." He whispered and looked away. I recognized the look on his face. Affection. Sadness. Regret. The same emotions were also permanently etched into my father's features. The sign of a concerned parent.

I sat down next to him, my legs folder under my arms. I instantly trusted him. In his honour. In his story. "What is Zanarkand like?" I asked.

He chuckled. "You're the first person to believe me, kid."

I shook my head. "My father does, too. I can tell."

He laughed louder. "Yes, I noticed that Braska is a bit of an oddball. Better that than an uptight jerk like that other guy."

I smiled despite myself. "Sir Auron is a very kind man."

"Yeah, kind. Kind of a jerk." Was his response, before he burst into laughter, mine echoing into his shortly after. Afterwards, he told me all about Zanarkand. His life in Zanarkand before it took a dramatic turn. His family. His city. A city covered in lights and never sleeps. An unimaginable city where machina dominates. There were no chocobo carriages or Shoopuffs, there were metal and mechanical vessels instead. And within this busy city was a little boy called Tidus, that surely was also missing his father.

I woke up, tears running down my cheeks.

Tomorrow, I will try again, with this stranger from Zanarkand.

He might be my only chance to meet that boy, Tidus.

The breaking dawn showed a promise of a new day. I gathered the various offerings I had prepared for the temple priests – silk and shell jewelry that I had made myself. Those were disposable. Meaningless even. Taking one last look at the bedchamber that had been my sanctuary for the past ten years, I was surprised at the lack of sorrow my heart has shown. I was not leaving anything meaningful behind. My most treasured possessions were on me at all times. The bells on my obi that once belonged to my mother. The silver hibiscus pendant necklace Lulu, Wakka and Chappu bought for me for a ridiculous sum of gill from a travelling merchant – it was seven years' worth of birthday presents, they had said. My blue and gold beaded earing that Kimahri had made for me, the beads taken off his sacred amulet. It was amazing to think that he weaved the threads together himself. The blood that runs through my veins. My father's blood. His courage that I had inherited.

Those were invaluable and irreplaceable.

I walked out onto the courtyard. The sky was clear blue, the vivid blueness a little perplexing. It reminded me of that stranger's eyes. My guardians and the stranger were all waiting for me at the foot of the stairs. Guess Wakka meant it when he said that we'll be together in every step of the journey. My mind was preoccupied with what would happen next, I couldn't really follow the conversation between my guardians, it was something about my luggage.

My first step out of the village, for good. I tried stopped myself from looking back at my home. Looking back was dangerous. Sentiment could not stop my pilgrimage, I know that, but I did not want to risk it.

We had kept walking, past the hills that overlooked the entire village, and I could see some of the children play. In their carefree smiles I saw myself, Wakka, Lulu and Chappu, as children. As the memories swelled up, a sense of nostalgia and longing. I truly will miss this island. But I have taken the best part of my childhood with me: my makeshift family.

"Let's get going, man!" The stranger impatiently called. I could feel Lulu drill her cold, scarlet eyes into the stranger's back. If looks can kill, then the stranger ought to be in a heap of pain.

"We're gonna wait." Wakka shot him a stern look, and as he turned back towards me, his gaze softened.

I know what he was thinking.

This was going to be last time I get to see my village.

Every step I took was towards my death. I should have the right to at least savor the last bit of nostalgia.

I looked at the stranger. His eyes were gleaming with excitement at the prospect of the journey, like an adventurer. Free from attachment. Was he not leaving anyone behind? The girl he spent the night with? He cares not about the past, just about the future. I wished to be more like him. I have to be stronger if I am to be worthy of following my father's footsteps.

Up the customary hills with the statue, I prayed piously, along with Wakka and Lulu. I have watched travelers, merchants and Crusaders pray to this statue, for a safe voyage. It was a special feeling, to be praying for my own journey. I was surprised as I watched the stranger kneel and pray. His movements were surprisingly genuine and fluid, as if he prayed to Yevon his whole life. But that can't be. Sir Jecht mentioned that Yevon did not exist in Zanarkand.

As we got to the beach, a crowd had gathered around the ferry as expected. Young and old. The entire village was here. The villagers all bowed at me. I could feel the magnitude of their hopes. It was a moment that I struggle to explain with words. I was honoured to carry this burden. I was honoured that they deemed me worthy. No one mentioned the obvious. No one wished me a "safe journey".

What could you say to someone who volunteered to be sacrificed in exchange for a couple of years of calm? It was the ultimate contradiction. Your feelings for them, and your safety.

I felt considerably better when I boarded the S. . It felt as if the weight has lessened somewhat. As well as goodbyes went, that went pretty well, I guess. I did not like saying goodbyes, and having goodbyes said to me. Goodbyes always reminded me of seeing my father's retreating figure as he walked down the bridge out of Bevelle the last time, his head held high. But as I waved to Reez as he ran down the dock to catch up with the sailing ferry, I couldn't help the tear that rolled down my eyes.

"Goodbye." I whispered.

* * *

 **AN:** Please let me know what you all think!


	3. Chapter 2

**Woohoo, an update! Way to go me!!** **Thank you for all your reviews, they mean a lot to me!!** **Anyhow, onwards to the story**

!

The salty sea breeze brushed against my skin. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. This was a familiar smell. I had grown up used to the sea breeze living in Besaid. It was comforting. Safe. It reminded me of Wakka. Of tranquility. Peace. But today it was different. We were finally starting my pilgrimage! The sea breeze brought in excitement, almost as if the sea salt was from a foreign land.

That was a lie. Kimahri had taught me that everything in Spira was connected. The land. The seas. Life and death. The stranger from Zanarkard also shared a similar scent. Did he grow up by the ocean too, I wonder? Were our lands connected by the same seas?

The crowd around me had finally dispersed and I was finally able to drop my mask of forced grace and scripted responses. Summoners were Spira's shining hope. My father definitely was. And so was the Lady Yunalesca, whom I was named after. I have a lot to live up to. Until then, I will continue to feign confidence, and mask my self doubt under a veil of false courage.

Footsteps echoed. It was a foreign sound, not at all the loud thumps made by Wakka, or the distinctive jingle of Lulu's various accessories. Given I have not felt Kimahri's presence, my latest visitor was not hostile, at least the Ronso had not suspected such yet.

The stranger from Zanarkand walks up next to me. I stifled a smile.

"The wind… it's nice." I say to him.

He smiles, closes his eyes, and takes a deep breath.

"Yeah. The sea too. It's…nice."

A moment passed and we both laugh at the caliber of our conversation. We were both like children, not at all like the Summoner and exotic traveler we were meant to be. Though it was not intellectual, but this was the first time today I felt I had a meaningful conversation.

I looked out onto the ocean again, hoping the azure waves can give me the confidence to ask my thousands of questions that I was hiding behind childish small talk.

Where is Zanarkand?

How can I get to Zanarkand?

Do you know about a man called Jecht? He was said to be a star blitzball player.

Was his family doing…well?

But my words danced around the rim of my mouth.

The image of his retreating figure, his arms around another girl stopped me. Why was I hesitant? This is the moment I have been wishing for. Zanarkand may be within reach yet I could not even look at the stranger in the eye.

I thought of Tidus, of the way his shoulders shook as he wept, and took a deep breath.

"You're a blitzball player, aren't you? From Zanarkand, right?" I asked. I was careful to not let my emotions seep into my voice.

His smile was wiped from his face immediately. He looked as if I was mocking him, his eyes guarded and ice cold. The bright blue irises that reminded me of the sky now resembles the cold waves. I swallowed my urge to turn away from him, away from his eyes.

"You hear that from Wakka? Wakka doesn't believe me at all." He laughed, but I could tell he could not find humor in his situation.

I wringed my fingers together. This was an unexpected start to the real conversation I wanted to have with him. I desperately wanted to let him know that I believed him, that I was on his side. I thought of Sir Jecht, of how he must have felt, all alone in a foreign land with no one that would help him. My father's guardian, his broad, confident shoulders slumped down in defeat from the accusations from people around him. It tore my heart to see it. I wished I had been there, when they tormented and ridiculed him. I wished I had shielded him from their hurtful words.

"But I believe you! I've heard, in Zanarkand...there is a great stadium, all lit up even at night! Great blitzball tournaments are held there, and the stands are always full!" Instinctively I grabbed onto the stranger's arm. Even though I have never seen it before, all these years I had imagined a brightly lit city, covered in lights and smiling people. That is what I imagined a land without Sin looked like. A place where people could gather freely, without the fear of an attack. It was on these streets that Tidus is surely looking for his father.

He stepped back from me. The hand that was on his arm fell limply to my side. I wasn't sure if it was surprise at my description of his home town, or of my sudden burst of passion. His blue eyes met mine again, the cold waves seem unsure and intrigued.

"How do you know that?" He asked finally, his guard still up.

Taking this as a good sign, I closed our distance slightly, though I was careful not to initiate direct contact again. It would not help my cause if this stranger hated me.

"A man named Jecht told me. He was my father's guardian."

His eyes widened immediately. I took his reaction as a good sign. Sir Jecht was definitely not a stranger to this stranger. I urged myself to be patient and wait for his response. Time was ticking, my heart pounding to the beat.

The stranger looked down, his hands brushing through his hair.

"My father, his name is… Jecht."

The waves crushed behind me, and I felt my smile froze onto my face. My heart stopped beating.

"What did you say?" I couldn't recognise my voice, the sound was hoarse and whispy.

Our eyes met, and it was a mirror reflection of each other. Curiosity. Disbelief. Confusion.

"I said, my father's name was also Jecht."

My hands trembled as I placed them on his shoulders. In my mind, they were frail. In my mind, he was only a boy.

"Your name…what is it? Please tell me." I whispered.

He was surprised by my reaction, but he stood where he was.

"…Tidus."

Tears rolled down my cheeks. Tidus. I have found him. The boy I have been searching for. The boy I have dreamt about for so long.

The boy that connected me to the past. To my father's guardian. To my father.

"Are you alright?" He looked towards the others for help, and I could sense Kimahri move towards me.

I quickly wiped the stray tears away. "This is amazing, you know. Our meeting like this must be the blessing of Yevon!" My voice shook with emotion.

I could not believe this. In just the first day of my pilgrimage, I have found what I have been looking for. Tidus. He has grown up so nicely. Taller than I had expected. His hair shades lighter than I had imagined, his shoulders broader. He was the respectable adult I dreamt that he would become. If only Sir Jecht could see this now. I have never felt so blessed.

But Tidus did not share this joy. He shrugged off my hold on him, the second time today.

"Sounds like him, but it can't be him."

"Why not?" This was Yevon's blessing. It has to be.

He looked far away, into the sea. "My old man, he died. Ten years ago. Off the coast of Zanarkand." I could tell these words caused him pain.

I regretted jumping into conclusions. Have my sentiments clouded my judgement? Have I wished to see him so much that I wished for my dreams to be a reality? Had I pieced together puzzle pieces that never belonged to each other?

"I'm sorry." I mumbled.

Tidus looked out at the seas, as if they were the same seas that took his father. "He went out to sea for training one day...and never came back. No one's seen him since."

Ten years ago? No trace of the remains? I tried my best to not get ahead of myself, but I could not contain my excitement. I had made my mind about but this stranger. My heart was telling me he was Tidus.

"Why, that's the day that Sir Jecht came to Spira. It's true! I first met Sir Jecht ten years and three months ago!" My mind traced back to the laughter and the tears that night. I could almost smell the faint lavender scent pressed into my father's robe as he folded me into his arms, our last embrace. "I remember, that was the day my father left. The date fits, doesn't it?" I whispered.

He was still reluctant to believe me. Perhaps he too, did not want to fall prey to false hope. Unlike him, I was used to living with a small glimmer of hope, having grown up in Spira, under the rule of Yevon. It was Spira's hope that we will atone for our sins, and Sin will be vanquished. Childishly I prayed that my father would return from his pilgrimage. Childishly I prayed that he would defeat Sin without the final summoning. Whether with his head held high in victory, or his head hung low in defeat, it did not matter to me. I didn't care whether he was made High Summoner or not, all that matters was that he was my father, the most important person in my life, and that he was by my side.

"Yeah, but how would he get here?" Tidus was not convinced.

I smiled warmly. I need to coax him into believing, into hoping.

"You're here, are you not?"

He looked at me again, his eyes much warmer than our previous encounters.

He closed the distance between us. I smiled, reaching towards him, hoping to close this ten-year gap between us. We had so much to catch up on. What has he been doing? How did he get here? I wanted to know more about him and his father. I wanted us to share stories of our fathers. I wanted us to walk the same path together, as our fathers did.

But suddenly, the floorboard beneath me trembled.

"Sin!"

The crew yelled, and I felt myself being flung forward, into a wall of ocean. For a split second I wondered if this was the premature ending to my pilgrimage. Maybe I will become another nameless victim to Sin, my name forgotten in the ages, unlike my brave father immortalised by the statues and stories. In the end, it didn't matter. I have found Tidus. I feel I can join my father, and let Sir Jecht know that Tidus is doing well.

But for a split second I saw his blue eyes, wide with shock, his hands reaching towards mine.

"Yuna!" He called.

My name. He called my name. My survival instincts kicked in. My hands reached helplessly towards him. Time slowed. Our fingertips grazed each others. My heart skipped a beat on contact. I was falling away from him. The bells on my obi jingled. A flash of fear burnt through his eyes as he called my name again. For the first time I feared dying. I feared leaving this world, my story incomplete. What will the future chapters bring? What role will he play in it?

Thump. I collided with the familiar strong, furry arms, and musky scent. I clung on a second longer than I ordinarily would have, grateful to the Ronso for saving my life yet again, and prolonging my story. Kimahri looked at me wordlessly, always understanding. Sin relentlessly tore at our ship, and I lost my bearings as the dark blue waves blended into the light blue sky. This was the first time I have directly came into contact with Sin, feeling its power with all my senses, and not fearing him through stories. I felt so insignificant, like a rag doll tossed about by a reckless owner. I couldn't imagine my father having the power to defeat the monster I couldn't even stand up and face without clambering onto Kimahri for support.

As quick as it had came around, Sin disappeared in a flash, the waves returning to its peaceful rhythm, as if it have had no interruptions. The crew and my guardians looked at each other, grateful that it had decided to spare us. Sin always does as it pleases, having no consideration for anyone else.

My eyes turned to the deck where Tidus and I stood, right by the moar.

Empty. No trace of the blond man. All that remained was the remains of the harpoon, ripped right from its stand.

Cold fear seeped through me. I am more afraid than I was a moment ago, when Sin had my life in its hands.

"Tidus! He...!" I gasped.

Kimahri kept his firm grip on me. Wakka nodded. "Look after Yuna, Lu." He called and jumped into the waves.

I watched the splash and ripple die out. A deep hatred like no other was burning through me, masked under the face of grace and concern I had grown accustomed to wearing. Sin. It has already taken so much from me. My family. Lulu and Wakka's family. The sense of safety and security of everyone on Spira. And now: Tidus. It was unforgivable. It occurred to me that this was the same monster that also took my father's life. Why is it that Sin could return when my father could not? Why is it that I had always accepted my father's death, but I could not accept that this beast may have killed Tidus? He wasn't even from Spira. He wasn't atoning for the sins of our ancestors. Sin has no right to take him.

A minute passed. Then ten. Then an hour. Still no sign of Wakka and Tidus. The other Aurochs talked about jumping in after them but were stopped by the crew. Afterall, although the ocean appears calm and peaceful, but it was the same ocean that shrouded Sin. My fingers were chafing from my constant wringing.

Lulu stared at the false peaceful waves. Her red irises unreadable.

"Don't worry, they will be fine." I assured, more for myself.

"Wakka shouldn't have tried to play the hero. He was never strong in the water. If it was Chappu then..."

I looked back into the navy abyss. It was Lulu's usual coping tactic. Somehow, comparing Wakka against Chappu helped her accept difficulties. Perhaps looking at Wakka's weakness helped her remember Chappu? I honestly could not see all the flaws in Wakka that she could see. To me, he was a reliable, dependable older brother. If he promised to bring Tidus back, then I know he will.

The crew gasped as Wakka popped his head out of the water, his normally pointed orange hair hung against his blue bandanna. Beside me, Lulu let out a quiet sigh of relief, and quickly retreated behind the crowd.

"Wakka!" I called. "Did you...find him...?"

As he climbed up the rope ladder, onto the deck, I saw that he was carrying Tidus' unconscious form. The Aurochs quickly pulled their captain and new star player to safety. I rushed ahead, not sure whether what little white magic I know would help. Wakka could feel my concern and reassured me.

"It's okay, Yuna. I've already given him a potion, he's just a little beat up. All he needs is rest, ya?" Wakka looked around our battered ship for a stretcher.

"Let me." I sat down on the deck and gently pulled Tidus' sleeping form to rest against me. His body felt cold, but very sturdy. I watched as Wakka's eyes bulged for a second before he turned to instruct the Aurochs to assist the crew in repairing the ship.

"My Lady Summoner! We've just received a distress signal from Kilika!" The captain yelled and we all snapped to attention. The navigation assistant quickly decoded the signals from the communication sphere. Compared to Zanarkand, the technology here is surely primitive. The assistance let out a gasp and the captain quickly scrolled through the notes.

"Sin!" He gasped. "It...it...it's attacked Kilika! Everything is gone! Everyone is..."

The crew fell to their knees and I could feel their pain. The staff were from Kilika. These were fathers, mothers or children to the people on the island.

"My Lady Summoner...we...Kilika..."

"Please set course for Kilika Island immediately." I commanded quietly.

The other passengers looked at each other. "But my lady, it could be dangerous. Sin could still be nearby."

"I am aware of that. Please, let us go see what we can do to help."

There were no disagreements after that. The people of Spira were united under one common enemy, Sin. If the price was not so onerous, it would be good to think that the entire nation was of one mind. I would hate to see people fighting each other, as they did a thousand years ago, during the machina wars. The war must have been so terrible, for Sin was our penance.

The trip to Kilika was long, and quiet. We were anxious for our arrival, but feared what will greet us. How many survivors would there be, I wonder. Is the temple safe from the damage? How many souls departed for the Farplane?

As I gently stroked Tidus' hair as he rested his head on my legs, I quietly admired the way his eyelashes curved, and how young he looked as he slept. A deep shame was filling me, as I thought of my hatred for the beast for harming the boy sleeping on me, and not the devastation he has caused the people of Spira. It now seems so petty, so irrational. Sin must be vanquished. It cannot be allowed to continue existing. It cannot be allowed to keep tormenting us. For everyone's sake.

"I will defeat Sin. I must defeat Sin."

The bright clear blue skies that shone above us at the beginning of the pilgrimage, the same skies that gave me so much hope, was now dyed a bloody orange. The sun was setting, retreating beyond the horizons as our ship finally docked the port. Even the sun did not want to witness the carnage that greeted us.

Debris, formally people's homes and the island's infrastructure, and people's belonging littered the seas. I ran towards the villagers.

"Greetings! I am the summoner Yuna. I have come from the temple of Besaid. If there is no other summoners here, please allow me to perform the sending."

I bowed, hiding my nervousness and inexperience behind my greetings. My voice sounded more confident, even I started to believe in myself. I have never performed a sending before, and I was a little afraid of the magnitude of the task, considering scale of the devastation. The villagers almost wept with gratitude. As they took me to where they have collected the casualties, I was a bit surprised that the dead were already arranged into makeshift caskets in the water. The people of Spira were nothing if not efficient, and unfortunately there have been too many "dress rehearsals" to practice in the past, it is almost like a routine. Live. Fear. Survive. Grieve. Clean up. But moving on was always hard. It was something that you cannot get used to, even after a thousand years of practice.

The water beneath my feet felt cold and heavy as I walked across the surface, careful not to cause any splashes. I took a deep breath and began to dance. As I waved my staff, I could hear the voices of the souls that I was guiding.

There was a young boy, who was thrown into the huts as he played blitzball on the beach. He wonders where I was taking him, and whether his friends were going. They were.

There was a worried mother, feeding her young toddler in her hut as Sin struck. She asked me about her two older children. When their souls were reunited, the relief was only momentary and quickly became grief and anger as she asked why Sin had taken her children, too.

There was a young man with ambitions to be a Crusader. He was deeply angry about his ordeal. He wasn't even eighteen, he reasoned. He has never fallen in love before, never been outside Kilika. It wasn't fair. Why did this have to happen? Why Kilika? Why him?

There was an old lady, who accepted her death and quietly walked with me as I guided her down the path.

"Please, I understand your pain. Please allow me to guide you to your eternal slumber. Please place your hopes in me, in Yuna. I will defeat Sin for you. I will make sure that what you leave behind is well guarded."

"I hope... I hope I did okay..." I murmured into Lulu's waiting arms.

I knew that even if I could feign confidence, guiding the soul's to their final resting place was so important, so sacred, that I was a fool to pretend that I could do it.

"You did very well. They've reached the Farplane by now." Lulu reassured me. No other words she could have said could have made me swell with relief. She gently patted my head, and I could tell that I did not fool her with my false confidence. "But no tears next time, hm?"

I had not noticed the tears that were streaming down my cheeks. Lulu tenderly wiped them with her long sleeves. These were all I can do now, crying with the souls. I am nothing but powerless. I made a promise to myself, that these were the last pointless and meaningless tears I will shed. I will defeat Sin, as I have promised the souls I guided.

I turned to face Tidus, wondering how he is faring after such traumatizing events. Sir Jecht had said that Zanarkand was peaceful. I wonder if he has ever brushed death so closely before. But I was not expecting his reaction, the look he was giving me. It was fear. He feared me.

"Are you okay?" I asked, my hand reaching towards him on impulse.

"...Fine. I'm fine." He flinched away from me.

I swallowed the fresh wave of tears that threatened to swallow me. "That's good."

He turns and walks off, towards the Aurochs who were rebuilding some of the huts, and joins seamlessly into their assembly line.

"Come, Yuna. Let's go see if we can help out in the infirmary." Lulu could sense my hurt. "Give him some time. It's all a bit much to take in right now." She whispered as I took her arm. I nodded dumbly.

I saw him again, later on that night. We were at the inn, which miraculously remained intact and the innkeepers had provided free meals and accommodation for all that needed them. The atmosphere was no longer sombre. Some of the villagers talked excitedly of the rebuild, and what should take priority. We all thanked Yevon that Kilika Temple escaped most of the harm as well, hidden deep in the Kilika forest, away from the shore line. Others gathered around the bar, exchanging stories of how they were lucky to escape Sin yet again.

He was there, at the bar, wearing a smile that suits him. As I looked at him from across the room, I wondered how is it that he had natural charm and charisma that attracted people to him, like magnets. The villagers laughed at his stories, the guys reaching up to give him high fives, and the women giggled and edged closer. He didn't mind the attention; he bathed in it. I made a note to myself that he did not look at my direction once the whole night. I had a sneaking suspicion that he was avoiding me.

I looked down at my bowl, swirling the spoon mindlessly, making little whirlpools in my soup. This Tidus was very different from the boy that I had grown up with in my dreams; the boy that I had constructed with my imagination. The boy in my dreams and I connected mentally, over our shared admiration of our fathers. I would often seek his council when the pain from losing my father became too much for me to handle alone. But the Tidus in real life feared me.

Was I disappointed that the real life Tidus was very different to what I had imagined? Personality wise we couldn't be more different. Or was I disappointed that not only did he have zero interest in me before, we seem to have gone backwards in our bonding?

"Yuna, time to rest. You have had a long day." Lulu's quiet voice broke my reverie. I tried to look at Tidus one more time, but Lulu's form blocked my view. The pressure on my arm as she pulled me towards the rooms were harder than usual.

I understood what she meant as I sneaked a glance at Tidus and instantly regretted it. It was an image that I could not get out of my head: Tidus, leaning over the bar counter, his lips locked on another girl.

Shuffling around restlessly in my dark bed chambers, I finally abandoned my numerous unsuccessful attempts to sleep and quickly pulled a coat over my sleeping shift. I was balancing between two extreme emotions: happiness of finally finding Tidus, and hurt and confusion from the Tidus that I had found.

As I walked down the creaking wooden staircase, each creak urged me to just drop it and go back to sleep, for my own good. I grew more anxious and hurt. He owed me an explanation. I didn't know what of. Or why I wanted to know. I just wanted to ask him: why?

Why did things not turn out the way I had dreamed? Why did it feel like we were further apart than before I found him?

The bar was nearly empty by the time I finally worked the courage to walk to him. Most of the patrons had gone home, and the atmosphere was quiet; the bartender yawned twice as I stood there debating whether or not to continue. Tidus was there, sitting at the bar alone.

I took a deep breath and my footsteps sounded louder than they should.

"Hey, that was quick." He grinned as he turned to me, but the smile disappeared as soon as he registered who his company was. My mouth dried and it felt like I was swallowing sand.

"Tidus. Can we talk?" I hated the way my voice shook.

He looked away. "What are you doing up? I thought you went to bed ages ago with Lulu."

"I couldn't sleep." I leant against the bar, my eyes focusing on the two glasses in front of me. So he wasn't alone. So he was expecting someone else. That made me surprisingly more hurt. And angry.

"Who is she?" My voice sounded really foreign, as if a stranger was speaking. "What are you doing with her? Why are you with her? Do you even know her?" The last question came out so scathingly my mouth felt acidic.

Again, all questions and no answers from him, and they were not even the ones I had practiced in my mind on my way here like: Are you alright? Did I do something to offend you?

He stared into the glass, watching as the ice cube slowly melt away. A flicker of surprise flashed through his blue irises. I guess he was as surprised as I was at my questions and my tone. Surprise turned quickly to anger and he gave an exasperated sigh.

"Go back to bed, Yuna." He turned to walk off and my hand automatically reached out and held onto his arm. He tried to shake it off twice, but I stubbornly clung on. His anger had fueled my rage.

"Why are you doing this?" I tried not to show the hurt in my eyes, and told myself that under no uncertain circumstances was I allowed to let any tears fall.

He stared right into my eyes, and I hated the smirk that he wore. It did not suit him at all.

"Doing what? I'm having fun. I'm living my life. Am I not allowed to?" He gave a small laugh. "Who are you to tell me no? Who are you to me?"

I bit the insides of my lip, not relaxing my jaws even as I tasted the metallic taste of blood. I felt my fingers loosen a little, and he must have felt it too, as he took the opportunity to shake off my hold on him.

"I… I'm… I thought that we…" But I struggled to finish the sentence. Just what did I think we were? Friends? Soul mates? Or something more…?

"We what?" Tidus was laughing a strained, unhumorous laugh. "I don't even know you, Yuna." He turned from me, his attention back on the full glass the bartender placed in front of him. "And to be honest, you… you scare me." He whispered.

I scare him. He was afraid of me.

Of all the things he said to me today, that was the most sincere. And he couldn't even look me in the eyes when he said it. I didn't want to attempt any more tries at resolving my queries. I had more questions that I wanted answers for. Moreover, I feared his answers. I also had tears that danced at the rim of my eyes that I would not let fall.

As if sparing me from any more of this torture, Tidus' date returned, her long dark hair swayed as she rested her hand on Tidus' shoulder. She casted one curious look at my way, and before she could ask me anything, Tidus turned and smiled. I noted that he allowed her hand to stay on his shoulder.

"There you are." He beamed. "I was just finalising tomorrow's itinerary with Lady Yuna." There he looked at me, his smile well practiced and artificial. I hated every bit of it. "Good night, Lady Yuna." He said dismissively as she gave me a small bow.

I returned the gesture and smiled back at him. My cheeks were tight and I could feel cracks in my strained composure, but years of practice didn't count for nothing. "Good night, Tidus. I'll see you in the morning." I had also given up finding warmth to my voice.

Without another word I walked away from them and back up towards my room. My bed now seemed like a sanctuary.

It wasn't until I was safely under the covers did I hear the strained gasps that came out of my mouth, and felt the dampness of my pillow.

This wasn't the first time I had cried secretly in my bed. But it was the first time I did not understand the pain I was feeling, and why I was crying.

After a restless night, I dressed in silence, making Lulu worried as she handed me my breakfast. I gulped down the fish and vegetable stew, a Kilika specialty, in a hurry. I wanted to clear my mind of everything. My disappointment. My hurt. There were still a lot to do in the infirmary, which was perfect for my wandering mind. Wakka had already left at the break of dawn with the Aurochs to start repairing the port. Lulu was helping in the makeshift kitchens, while Kimahri helped the villagers gather supplies from the forest. Tidus was still asleep. We were to embark to the temple once everyone was up and ready. Like an older brother, Wakka had asked us to let Tidus sleep. I was mentally grateful again, not sure how I should face him after the awkwardness last night. I couldn't help but wonder if he was resting alone, or if that woman was in the bed with him?

Enough, Yuna. I quickly scolded myself. It didn't matter to me. I was no one to him. He was no one to me. He was not the Tidus I was wanting to meet.

Coming to the infirmary was a good idea. The sight of the injured helped bring my suffering, if you could call it that, into perspective. By late morning, I was worn out. Walking back towards the inn to get some refreshments, I saw Lulu and Wakka talking by the dock. I normally would not eavesdrop into their conversation, but my curiosity piqued when I heard my name.

"Yuna is unusually quiet, ya?" Wakka scratched his head. "Is she unwell? Maybe the sending was too much for her. Maybe we should stay at Kilika for a couple of days until she's better."

Even at a distance I could see that Lulu rolled her eyes. "She's fine, Wakka. She has been preparing all her life for this. The best thing for her right now is to continue forward."

Wakka didn't look convinced. "Her mannerism may be that of an adult, but Yuna is still just a seventeen year old girl, ya?"

Lulu looked as if she wanted to say something, but changed her mind. After a while, she looked up back at Wakka. "How long is that boy, Tidus, staying with us again?"

Wakka scratched his head in thought. "Just until Luca, ya? He's pretty handy to have around actually. Good to talked to. Will miss having him around."

Lulu gave Wakka a cold look. "Good. Until then, you will do well to keep him out of Yuna's way."

Poor Wakka looked so confused. "Why...something happen?"

"I don't want her to be...distracted by him. By the feeling of heartbreak. It's something I do not wish for her to ever experience."

Is it possible for Wakka to look more confused? "Yuna? With Tidus? No way! How? She's only just met him, ya!"

Lulu turned to walk away. "Like you said, she is a seventeen year old girl. Things could happen."

Wakka stared at her retreating figure for a while, shook his head, then walked into the inn.

I sat down on the wooden planks and looked into the incoming swirls of water.

Lulu said that this feeling was heartbreak. I remembered the early days when Chappu had just left our lives, and the physical toll it had on Lulu. I could not begin to imagine the mental burden she bore. Lulu truly loved Chappu, I could tell by the light that shone in her eyes when he came into view.

Is that how I feel about Tidus?

I didn't think so. Wakka was right. I only just met him. I was just learning who he is bit by bit. Updating the make belief version I kept in my mind with who he actually is.

In my mind, he loved fish and hated shrimps, like me. In reality, he loved shrimps. In my mind, he liked mild, pastel colours. In reality, he liked bright yellow.

Perhaps I was in love. With Tidus. With my Tidus, the one I made up. Not the one right in front of me.

But I wasn't ready to give up the dream that's kept me going for the last ten years. I was determined to walk my father's path, the way my father did. With my guardian from Zanarkand.

It was well into the late morning by the time Tidus had woken up. He greeted us with a cheerful "Morning!" which was only returned by Wakka. As we walked down the path leading to the forest, Tidus whistled with excitement. The Aurochs all talked excitedly about praying for victory. I guess Tidus' cheerfulness was contagious. I should be careful and not let my gloom become contagious, too.

I walked with Lulu and Kimahri up ahead, while the guys joked around behind.

"Lulu, I was thinking, I would like to ask Tidus to become my guardian." As expected, Kimahri did not react, he probably knew what I wanted before I did.

I waited for Lulu's reaction, and she did not disappoint. Sharp intake of breath. Eyes narrowing in thought.

"Yuna, I think it is...prudent for you to keep your distance from him. He's not right for you."

I shook my head. "It's not what you think. I just...I just want to keep the little part of Sir Jecht close by. It's a miracle that he is here, from Zanarkand. It's like...my ray of hope. My connection to the past." Well, it wasn't a complete lie. I guess I just didn't give the whole reason. I left the part I couldn't explain out. I shall have to investigate further later.

Lulu let out a long sigh. "The past is past Yuna. No matter how you try to grasp it. Although I am somewhat relieved."

"What you guys talking about?" Wakka had caught up with us. Lulu unleashed the full force of her glare, which should have been directed at me, on to him. I didn't blame Wakka for flinching.

"Yuna is saying that she wants to make him a guardian." It's funny how Lulu refuses to acknowledge Tidus when he is around. Her eyes narrowed on the word 'him'.

Tidus stood his ground. "What's this about?"

"Yeah Yuna, this is no time for jokes, ya? He may be a blitzball whiz kid, but against fiends he's still a newbie."

I don't understand. When my father approached him, Sir Jecht jumped at the chance to become my father's guardian. Why was it that Tidus wanted to void all connections with me? Had this fear he had in me somehow morphed into despise and hate?

I thought about the toxic effect he had on me, the way my heart pounded painfully against my ribs, and I immediately wanted to back track. But then I thought about my proud father. He who stared down death. He would not have even registered this small amount of pain. And I thought about that girl from last night, and the one from Besaid, and that really tipped me over the edge.

I looked at Tidus and remained impassive. "Not a guardian then... I just want him nearby." Whether you want to or not, I mentally added.

Wakka's jaw dropped and Lulu shuffled uncomfortably. Tidus glared back. "What do you mean?"

"It's just that… Well…" I stumbled a bit under the scrutiny. My noble justifications now seem so far away. I couldn't bring myself to admit to my spiteful ones.

"We're all going to the temple anyway. Can't this wait until later?" Lulu called, and I was grateful for the rescue. She truly was my sister.

As the others turned to walk away, I saw a glimpse of pure confusion in Tidus' eyes and it killed all the spite I had bottled up. Why did I just do that? I managed to find my voice to mumble a brief apology. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have..."

He turned and looked at me, his eyes a bit softer. "There is nothing to be sorry about. I'm just not sure what is going on."

"I..."

I couldn't tell him. How could I tell him of the disappointment he has caused me?

I love you. The version of you I created to plug the hole left behind by my father's absence. The you made up of lies.

"My apologies." I mumbled and hurried ahead.

As I walked through the forest I reflected on my actions. I wanted to become like my father, wanted to close this gap that death has wedged between us. I wanted to journey to Zanarkand with my guardian from Zanarkand, as he did. My whole life this dream was what I worked for, what I woke up in the morning for. In my desperation, I wanted someone I actually didn't know to be my guardian. It was selfish. Tidus shouldn't have to risk his life for someone he had just met. This desperation was killing our relationship.

Putting on my bravest smile, I made a vow to myself, to make amends with Tidus.

The opportunities presented itself very quickly throughout our trek through the forest. He was a natural in battle, although this was probably more due to his quick reflexes and agility from years of playing blitzball. 'Zanarkand was a very safe place' Sir Jecht had assured me. Tidus seemed to enjoy the battles. Wakka was keen to teach him the ropes. Kimahri kept an eye out for him, and helped him out in the rare occasions he looked as if he was struggling. Even Lulu thawed out and gave a pointer or two. I did my best to keep my smile warm and to keep our brief conversation around the fiends we were battling. He even gave me a small 'thanks' as I patched a small cut up with white magic. Neither of us mentioned our small altercation last night. Tidus never talked about the girl he was with, and what he planned to do with her, which I was thankful for.

I felt considerably better as we walked through the forest; the sun poked its rays through the overhanging leaves, creating a mosaic of colours. The ground smelt moist and full of life. I watched as the others walked ahead and took in my surroundings peacefully. My guardians all knew to give me privacy as I looked around the new places I was visiting - for the first and last times. For that, I was grateful. I loved the sight of life. No matter how much Sin traumatized or devastated the land, it could not shake the resilience of life. This was the part of Spira I loved most. I closed my eyes to fully take in the surroundings with all my senses.

I wasn't watching where I was going and collided softly with something. A brief spell of fear shot through me until I felt a pair of arms steadying me. I opened my eyes and saw Tidus.

"Sorry." I mumbled. I was sorry. Sorry for our fight last night. Sorry for the awkwardness before.

"No, I should be the one who's sorry." He let go of me softly and awkwardly scratched his head. "I...uh… I guess I had a lot on my mind yesterday. This whole time, I had thought my old man was dead. But then, all of a sudden, I find out that he's alive, in Spira. I guess I didn't handle that, and the trauma of the Sin attack well yesterday and said a lot of things I shouldn't. I'm sorry, Yuna."

He apologized to me. His voice was sincere, and so was his words. Last night was all a misunderstanding. I couldn't think of anything to say, I was choked for words. I just looked at the way his eyelashes curved around, framing his eyes. The way he shyly looked at the ground reminded me of the boy I had imagined.

"I'm sorry I said that you scared me. The truth is, I've never handled my mother's death well, the way she left so miserably. I was surprised when you could just take death in stride and help with the uh...sending. I guess I was...jealous that you were so mature. It made me feel...immature and useless. Like I was 10 years ago."

I couldn't stop the smile from forming. As I smiled, I could see a small smile grow from his lips. He suited smiling.

"It's alright. I said plenty of things I shouldn't either." And plenty of things I had not said, thankfully.

I held my hand out. "Let's forget about it, and get you safe to Luca. I'm looking forward to the Auroch's first victory."

He grasped it tightly, but briefly. "Thanks."

A slight movement ahead saw Kimahri nod at our reconciliation and walked ahead. I swear I saw a hint of a small smile on him. The Ronso was always looking out for me.

I felt positive and lightheaded as I ran up the stone stairs after my little prank to the boys (I had offered to start their race but instead ran up first). I even heard Tidus' laugh. What started off as laughter quickly turned into panicked screams as we were confronted by Sinspawn. What a typical day at Spira. As I fought along side my guardians, my mind was concentrated on honing my skills. This beast was part of Sin. Part of the being that killed my father. The previous encounter with Sin proved that I was no way near standing up to it, let alone defeating it. I need to train harder.

As I watched the pyroflies disperse, I reflected on the battle. Tidus proved surprisingly useful. He did not struggle at all as he dodged the assaults from the fiend. I, on the other hand, appear inexperienced and weak. I watched as him and Wakka joked and thought about his words to me. He was jealous of me. Little did he know I was jealous of him too. I wish to possess that kind of strength. I wish to be more like my father.

The conversation quickly turned sour and before I knew, Lulu's eyes were narrowed in disgust.

"Amazing. Simply amazing." She sneered, and Wakka and Tidus stopped joking at once.

"You make up one theory after another, refusing to face the simple truth. Sin didn't take Chappu anywhere. Sin crushed him and left him on the Djose shore! Your brother won't just pop back."

As I feared, the conversation had switched to Chappu.

Oh, Chappu. The only topic that can cause such a pain between Lulu and Wakka. The only topic that turned the usually pleasant (she is to me!) Lulu into such a demon with her words. There was an unspoken truce between Lulu and Wakka, and that was to never mention the way Chappu had died. But when Lulu speak to kill, her words were the perfect weapons. Wakka slouched down at her venomous words. I could tell even Tidus was shaken at the news. But Lulu wasn't done. Far from it.

"Oh, and one more thing. No matter how much you want it, no one can take Chappu's place. No one can replace Sir Jecht, for that matter. "

Here, she paused and looked at me. "And there's no replacement for Lord Braksa, either. It's pointless to think about it, and sad."

Without another word, she walked off.

I trotted obediently behind her, her ever loyal sister.

Growing up, Lulu and Wakka bickered constantly. It was usually something trivial, like whether Chappu and I should have our lunch before or after our lessons in the temple (Lulu believed in strict routines while Wakka maintained you can't learn on an empty stomach). I have always seen them as parents to me and Chappu, even though they were only a few years older. But the dynamic of the relationship changed as Chappu grew up, and the spark between him and Lulu grew. I don't think Wakka could see her as 'a little sister'. To be honest, I think Wakka had always liked her. It was a thought that I had always banished from my mind. And I know Wakka did too. Lulu and Chappu were happy together - he was the only person that could make her laugh, and she was the only person that he'd listen to. They are right together. Being apart makes them sad.

But then Chappu died, leaving a massive hole in Wakka and Lulu's hearts. I don't blame Wakka for trying to fill that gap with Tidus - he had lost his only family. But I can understand why Lulu is fiercely protecting that place - Chappu's place.

Pointless and sad.

Was that what we were doing - desperately projecting the role of our deceased love ones onto someone else, Wakka projecting Chappu onto Tidus, and me projecting Sir Jecht onto Tidus, and my father onto myself, as if somehow our memories would be immortalised by a living soul. That they would be with us forever.

Yes, it was pointless and sad.

"Lulu…" I began, though really, I didn't anything that I could say that could even begin to console her.

"Yuna, it's fine." As always, Lulu brushes off any sympathy from anyone. "Just… I just want you to learn from my experience. It is better to try to get used to the pain, than try to numb it."

She takes a deep breath. "It only hurts more after."

 **So, what did you think? I know you're probably wondering why I have structure Tidus and Yuna's relationship this way... but trust me, Yukage ships these two, there will be romance...hee hee hee**


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